Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
there was a trapeze. enough said
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
