Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
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