Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
