I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
