Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
