last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
