I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
