I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
