Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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