How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
