he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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