Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
