He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
