im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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