it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
The air taste purple.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize