I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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