You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
