You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We have started to decorate penises.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I need a beard to bite.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
