My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
