He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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