Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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