I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
