I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
