My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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