remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
