im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
You left your phone here
Wait...
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