The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
