I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
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