so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
