omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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