i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
