I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
