A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
