so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
