I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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