I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
