I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
