Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
