He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize