Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
