the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
