does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
