i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
