went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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