I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
