I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
