i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
