Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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