Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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