Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
tell me about the eggs
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
