Im at strip club and am horny
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize