Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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