Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
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