Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
