his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just high enough for therapy.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
