The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
he's gonorrhea incarnate
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
